Little Piece Of Yu: About

100 Days of Positivity

January 27, 2019

Hey guys,

I first wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year, I hope you had amazing holidays even though it's always been a month now. I was pretty overwhelmed during the holidays since I had to move and work and it just so happened that there was a bunch of stuff happening at the same time on top of it being the holidays.

Now that I have some free time I decided to share one of my new projects for the next 100 days. You heard that right 100 days, and that’s 100 consecutive I’m talking about.

I decided to focus on 100 days of positivity. I challenged myself to post on my instagram page a picture with a positive message for a solid 100 days, or even better, for the rest of my life.

I know, I know, I won’t get ahead of myself, so let's start with 100 days for now.

You probably wonder why I have decided to do this.

Well, put simply, like everyone else I have ups and downs, and to be completely transparent with you guys, since I moved back to Canada and don't have basketball as a full time job, my life hasn't been all butterflies, sunshine and flowers. I try to put on a good front, but in reality my life isn't perfect. Sometimes we forget that feelings like sadness, anger, anxiousness, confidence, fear, and self-doubt are all normal, very human feelings. Vulnerability is very hard to put out there for everyone to see because you don't want people to see you or perceive you in certain ways, or even worse, straight up judge you.

Who cares? I do. I can't say I don't because that would be lying to you and myself.

For the longest time I cared a lot about what people thought of me, what they might think if I tell them how I really felt when they did something, or said something or acted a certain way toward me and even now I still sometimes care. It’s difficult to put these feelings aside and it will always be a work in progress. We’re human. We have thoughts about our own thoughts. Think about it for a minute.

Like me, do you sometimes feel like you have to put up a front when you’re with other people because you’ve automatically assumed their life is great and beautiful? You don’t want them to think you are going through some rough time so you smile and hide it from them...

...but would it be a problem if you’re honest and tell them, “I’m having a bad day.” Seriously, though. You may be thinking, “Can I feel that way if I want to?”, “Can I cry?”, “Can I scream?” The answer is simple: yes, you can. I'm tired of apologizing for feeling a certain way because society says everyone should be happy 24/7.

That’s not reality. I’m sorry to pop your wonderful, perfect bubble. Life is not all blooming flowers, sunshine and rainbows all the time.

That’s the reason why I decided to do this, its because even though your life isn’t perfect someone else in the world feels exactly the same way. You can either just stay negative about everything in your life or you can acknowledge things, resolve them and turn them into something positive.

It is so easy to have negative thoughts when things are going wrong and so easy to stay positive when things are going your way. When things are going downhill and you still see a positive outcome could come from it that makes you stronger. I believe that the best way to become a better person, to learn and move forward is to stand up when times are rough not when times are easy. You learn a great deal from overcoming your failures, correcting your mistakes and solving your problems than when everything is smooth and easy riding.

I have a lot of insecurities, body image issues, and fears and like you I'm scared. I wanted to do this for me. I wanted to get out of my shell, try to be vulnerable and share things that go through my little head. If you knew the stuff that goes on you’d be exhausted, but I know I’m not alone in this, and so I’m able.

Even though I have these thoughts what's stopping me to sharing them with people? If I can just connect with 1 or 2 people I would be the happiest person. I'm trying to be okay with being vulnerable because for the longest time I've been scared to show my true feelings and emotions because I didn't want people to perceive me as fragile or sensitive. For me it was a sign of weakness. Slowly I am realizing that it is a sign of strength, understanding, positivity, and overall just being okay with myself. I want you to know as well that it is okay to feel this way, and trust me, I know how hard it is, you just have to train your mind to be okay.

This is what is happening to my thoughts, they’re training themselves to just “be okay”, it sucks but I won’t let it define me or stop me from doing what I need to do. Look, if I do this, really change this or try to resolve it this way then something positive will come out of this experience. It might not be the expected outcome but it’s a lesson learned, so if the issue arises again to you or to someone you know you’ll know how to react, you’ll know what you should do or not do. You’ll know what steps to take to resolve the issue and you’ll grow from that experience instead of avoiding it.

Well, that's what my 100 days of positivity is.

Those are the reason why I decided to start 100 days of positivity and I would be the happiest person if any of you decide to join me in that challenge. I would love to read and listen to what you have to say. I want to hear about your stories, experiences, good or bad. All of you, you probably don't know but every single one of you inspire me to be better, to think better and just do better. I am so thankful to all my friends, family, people that take the time to read these words. I just hope I can make a little difference in someones life and maybe you will feel comfortable enough to talk to me because I would love to listen to what you have to say.

Please share, I'm here to listen and not make judgement. I would be glad to be an outside ear for you if ever you need advice or want another opinion. You have no idea how much I like to help people. No matter if they are my friends or random people. I feel very honored to be a shoulder, an ear to anyone who needs it.

So come on board and let's do this 100 days of positivity. Are you guys with me?

About

THE ADOPTED ONE

November 13, 2018

Hi everyone,

I think I have been avoiding talking about myself for quite some time now, or actually since forever. I think I have this fear of opening up fully to the world and people in general, scared that people will judge me or not like me for who I really am. I leave small pieces of myself with people wherever I go, but never ever my whole self. I think I have realized that for quite some time now and that is probably why I never had a hard time leaving people or places behind. It is a mechanism I have developed to protect myself I think, and it has followed me up until now.

I was adopted at the age of 3 and flew to Canada with Sister Rosa, she mostly took care of me at the orphanage when my mother was trying to work and earn some money so she could take care of us. I remember arriving at YUL Airport in Montreal with a red backpack, red shoes and I distinctly remember meeting my new family. I was quiet, shy, and yet, extremely curious; I didn’t fully understand what was happening.

I think being adopted is kind of special and unique. I can’t speak for every adopted kid of course, because we all have different stories, and come from different situations. I can only speak for myself here, and honestly, I’m proud to be half-Asian and adopted. It took me a while to appreciate it and be proud of it, though. You probably wonder why it took me a while, well, that’s probably because I grew up in St-Foy, Quebec where at the time immigrants, Asians, half-Asians and adopted kids weren’t very common. Quebec was known to be an all white, French-Canadian community. Kids used to make fun of me because I was adopted and didn’t look like my parents. Names such as “P’tite Chinoise”, “Chintok” and so on were very common to make fun of Asian people. I used to be bullied a lot and they would often say, “Your parents didn’t want you that’s why they gave you up.” That’s probably the reason why for the longest time I used to say I was only white. Then, I moved to Montreal (which is a very multi-cultural city) and I realized being Asian and adopted wasn’t so bad after all. People were surprised and seemed to like the fact I was half-Asian and adopted. They made me feel like I was special and unique and that is when I started embracing myself.

I think I always felt different than everyone. I’ve always been thankful for all the opportunities I was given after being adopted. I recognized I was lucky to receive unconditional love from both my parents and other family members, I always had food to eat, I was able to go to good schools, meet amazing friends all around the world, play sports, travel, learn and experience a lot of different things, both good and bad in my life. Even though I am thankful for everything that I have in my life at the moment, a part of me somehow still feels different. I still have many questions in my head that the majority of people wouldn’t understand.

Even though a few questions were answered when I met my birth-mother, I have probably 50 more I have yet to find an answer to. I think a lot of adopted kids don’t get the chance to meet their biological parents or when they do it isn’t what they expected or what they were looking for. There are so many possibilities as to how it can turn out. Some will never get the chance to ask such questions; “Why did you put me up for adoption?”, “Did you love me?”, “Do you still think about me?”, “Do you regret it?”, and so on. Some will get the chance to ask and wish they didn’t and a small percentage will get a happy, fairytale ending. No matter the ending, good or bad, I think a big part of us is (and always will be) curious and dying to know. We subconsciously dream about it and imagine the hundreds and thousands of possible outcomes.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was standing in a small white room with huge windows. It was so quiet that I could hear the smallest mosquito flying around the room. My eyes were peaky, traveling all around the room, my palms were sweaty, and I think, for a quick moment, I even forgot how to breathe. Then, I saw a small woman opening the door, and she came running towards me. She grabbed and hugged me so hard that I froze. I just remember hearing a small voice say over and over again, “My daughter, my daughter, my daughter. Mommy is here.” It was a voice that didn’t seem real. Like it was a dream and I needed to wake up from it. I was looking up at the white ceiling and although I could feel her happiness and joy somehow I couldn’t feel a single thing. My mind was racing a hundred miles per hour. Should I hug her back? Should I smile? Am I supposed to be happy? Why is she calling me her daughter? Why is she saying mommy is here? Why is she acting like I never left? Or like she never put me into adoption in the first place? What is happening? What is this? I think for a moment I was angry, and then, happy, sad and ultimately confused. It was like a rush of emotions traveling through my body. I would say this lasted maybe 2-3 minutes but it felt like an eternity. It felt like the world had just stopped and only I realized it. I think for a moment I wanted to disappear and get away from it all. How could my parents let me go through this alone and not even come with me to a country I hadn’t set foot in since I was 3. A country I didn’t know anything about, a country where I couldn’t even speak the language and where I was completely and entirely alone. Why didn’t they care to come? Why did they allow me to go and meet my birth mother? Why me? Why now? Why?? This was total bullshit. Bullshit, I kept repeating in my head! I didn’t ask for this. Not on my 18th birthday.

My head was a total mess and I still hadn’t said one word. In the car going to the restaurant I remember I was sitting quietly looking out the window and suddenly I felt empty. My thoughts went blank, there was absolutely nothing! I sat down at the restaurant observing Sister Rosa and Szi-Ann staring at me smiling and speaking mandarin to one another. And then, all of a sudden I wanted to know why? I wanted answers. And I wanted them now. I was allowed answers and explanations. I took a deep breath and with my head down looking at my empty plate I yelled out “why!” They stopped talking and I could feel their eyes staring at me. I still had my head down looking at my plate. I couldn’t bear to look at them. I was once again frozen.

So I repeated “why?”, this time louder, thinking I might have said it in my head, but I think they didn’t know how or what to reply. It took a few seconds before they started explaining it to me and it took me probably the rest of the lunch to take it all in. A part of me was angry because I felt that she wasn’t telling me the whole story. It might sound selfish of me but I wanted all my unanswered questions to be answered, I came all this way to meet her, after all. And yet, she just couldn’t give them to me.

And then, I felt sad. Sad to know that my birthmother had to go through such hardships, as well as a broken heart. And I, I was enjoying a nice life in Canada with my new family. For a moment, I felt like I didn't deserved it. How can I be happy? She probably made the hardest decision of her life just so I can live a better one. I felt like a pinch in my chest. My heart stopped. What kind of person was I? I wanted to cry. But I couldn't, not here. Not right now in front of them.

After lunch we walked around Keelung market and I was quiet. I didn’t feel, want or have the energy to talk. I was mentally tired and angry. Angry at her (for not answering), at Sister Rosa (for not saying anything), at the world, at myself for being angry and my parents for putting me in this situation. It was like riding a rollercoaster. After spending the afternoon with them it was time for me to head home. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be alone.

Keelung was a 30-40 minute bus ride from Taipei and I wish I could have stayed on that bus all night. I don’t think I slept that night. I couldn’t, and why would I. I was replaying the entire day in my head at least 100 times over. Thinking about what I could have said, or done differently. Each time I came to the same conclusion. As much as I wanted answers, I started to put myself in her shoes. That it must have been a tough decision to gave me away, that she had a hard time and went through so much and that I was lucky enough to have met her and have the life that I have now. Many kids don’t get this chance so I should be thankful to have at least that. Right?

Still, a part of me was angry, so angry.

Until now, I am still thankful and appreciate the opportunity I had to meet my birth-mother. I still have unanswered questions that I think about now and then and I still feel different somehow. As I grew older there were and still are different aspects of my life I feel a disconnect from, but at the end of the day I know how lucky and thankful I am to have loving parents that have given and continue to give me unconditional love. The rest is something I will have to figure out as I go. As I get older I realize that life doesn’t get any easier. It just depends what you make of it and how you want to deal with it.

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