Where do I start, I don’t really know. The last few days I’ve had time to think and just rethink about things that I have said, decisions that I have made and just about every little thing that happened in the past 6 months of my life.
And to tell you the truth, I don’t even know where or how to start. My life took a complete 360 turn. One day I was doing everything I had dreamed of: living in Taiwan, playing professional basketball in my motherland and just representing my country. What else could I have wished or hoped for, seriously? Young kids around the world who devote their time to mastering a sport wish, in the back or their minds, that somehow they were next in line to be the next super star, or even to just one day play at a professional level. I had basically everything I’d worked and hoped for all those years I’d committed myself to my sport. So, why was I unhappy?
I had such big expectations of the game and visions of myself in Taiwan, and when I got there it was nothing like I’d expected. The game and mentality encompassing it was totally different. That of course I’d expected, because come on, I was moving across the world to another continent, it was not going to be Canada. I feel like I didn’t expect to be that much different, though, just because at the end of the day basketball is still the same sport anywhere in the world.
I had to adjust a whole lot in my day to day routines. Not only with the way of living, but overall my mindset had to change, as did my lifestyle, and just pretty much everything. First thing came the dorm I had agreed to live in upon signing my contract, this agreement maintained that I follow a set of rules put in place for the team including a curfew, cleaning, practice, training, and everything else that comes with being on a team. That wasn’t much of a problem since I feel like I can adjust and respect people’s way of living, the hardest thing for me ultimately was adjusting to the basketball mentality and style. It felt I needed to learn how to play basketball all over again. I felt like I was a 7 year old girl learning how to dribble, pass and do lay ups. Don’t get me wrong, I really liked my teammates, my coach was awesome and so understanding and I liked being with them. My brain was just not understanding their system and how they moved, or how they thought. Communication in sports is so important, sometimes you don’t even need to actually say anything, your teammates just know by looking at you and recognizing your body language what your next move will be. So the longer I played with people the less I had to say, I never really had to talk or say much. People just knew what I meant by moving my head a certain way or giving them eye contact. And here it was like I was speaking another language. I would see an opening and try to let them know and they would run another way and vice-versa. The problem wasn’t them, it was me. I wasn’t use to the way they’d learned how to play. In Taiwan the way the basketball program works is you play for a high school then you go to a specific university, and finally you play for a specific WSBL team. So you basically play with the same teammates from high school all the way to the professional level, you learn and play with the same system, each developing the same things, learning how to play together. It was easy for them and beautiful to watch because they knew how to play together for so long and I was the only foreigner coming in. It was hard, and very difficult for me. My mentality was totally different, in not only scoring, but also in passing, steal opportunities, rebounds, unselfishness, and defense, as well as my IQ, and decision making. And what I saw from playing there, the mentality is very different. I will be honest I just couldn’t adjust, because it just didn’t make sense to me and no matter how I tried to learn their plays, both defensive and offensive, it wouldn’t make sense. When I was stepping on the court I was automatically overthinking: “I can’t do this because they want me to do that,” my head was just constantly thinking because they were telling me nonstop that I should play more like Taiwanese basketball than American basketball. It was confusing, annoying and extremely frustrating for me to know I can make a difference but they were always telling me the opposite. “Don’t do this.” “We don’t do that.” I was miserable to be honest, and I felt so lonely because nobody could understand or put themselves in my shoes. I didn’t ask anyone to try, and I couldn’t tell them even if I tried. I couldn’t judge them because that’s how they learn how to play. And that’s totally normal. I was the one coming in from another country so it was my duty to adjust and try to fit in. They were my teammates and I liked them very much, it’s just basketball wise it was a whole different ball game, you know?
I came across an injury as well, ruptured my Achilles tendon during a game against Japan and that was probably the toughest time of my whole experience. My parents wanted to come when they heard what happened and I told them not to, that I would be fine and to not worry about be. I’ll be honest, my coach was so nice. She felt so guilty when it happened and I told her it was not her fault but mine. I didn’t stretch enough, I over trained myself and was not getting enough sleep and rest. I would be fine and come back as strong as I was before and just give 200%. I showed up to practices and games even though it was difficult and painful to move around. I just wanted my team to know I was there to support them. Because at the end of the day that’s what teammates are for. I invited them over to my place, we shared a meal and I was so happy to have them around because most of the days I was alone. Also, since I am allergic to pain killers I have to admit, my injury was so, so painful. I had a hard time sleeping, and I was just frustrated to not be able to walk, practice, train and some days I just wanted to be in another country and dealing with it on my own. I knew my parents were worried about me and they always texted me and called me to know how I was doing. I often just didn’t answer their calls or their texts because I didn’t want them to worry. It’s just with sports you learn how to play and work through the pain. You sprain your ankle, break a finger, have a concussion, and you don’t want to sit out because you know your team needs you so you suck it up, you know? Your coach tells you that he needs you for that game so you tell him “yes, everything is fine.” You lie to the doctor to get that note that you are cleared to play for the next game. That’s just how it is. You don’t complain, you suck it up, so what you’ve got to do to play, play, and you deal with the pain later.
And you know I tried. I would wake up early to go shoot 1000 shots, I would stay up late to workout and do extra work or learn their plays, understand how they move by watching game tape. At the end of the day I think a part of me wasn’t happy playing there and felt like I was losing the love of the game. So I started thinking about other projects and things that I wanted to do with my life outside of basketball. And I started thinking about moving back home, maybe go to Toronto or Vancouver and just starting a new chapter in my life. And I think in the last few days, talking with people and just looking back at few situations that have happened I finally realize that I’ve been scared. Scared of stepping away from basketball, scared of having to find an actual job, scared of opening up to people, because it felt so easy when I was away, emotionally and everything. I’ve been scared of starting my personal project and scared of failure, scared of meeting new people, just basically scared of stepping away from what I know most, sports. I think a part of me likes to be disconnected from people because I’m scared to get attached, scared to get hurt, scared to open up and show that I actually care. This is partly due to my ego maybe, I don’t want to appear too sentimental, or too emotional. And I think basketball built me this way. When I was angry I would just not talk and shoot in the gym for hours and the same goes with when I was sad, when I was injured and when I felt lonely. My coach would ask me, my friends, my teammates , they’d all ask how I was doing, and I would smile and say everything is fine, but really, was everything actually fine? When I think about it, the answer is no, probably not. Do you feel sometimes that your team or friends, or family expect so much out of you that you feel like you can’t show any sign of weakness because you don’t want to disappoint them and you feel like everything might crumble around you? Yes, I feel like that all the time. When a coach comes to you and says, “You better show up today because we need to win this game, you take that pressure off your shoulders and you get out there and do what you need to do,” you don’t complain, you don’t tell your teammates, you just do it. And if you don’t get the win you take the blame, think, “I didn’t score enough, I could have stolen that ball, I didn’t play great defense, I had too many turn overs.” And then you just close yourself up and replay the game over and over to see if you had done something differently would the outcome have been different. Well that’s how my brain works. I replay a situation over and over again imagining different outcomes, different ways I could have handle d it, or what did I do wrong, until I find the best outcome and then work from there.
I realized a lot of people ask me, quite regularly, what I am thinking all the time. How am I feeling? Is everything okay? I think its because I am always in my head. People would talk, and trust me, I listen, but my brain is just thinking about how I should reply, what I should say. What if I say this or say that, what would their reaction be? What kind of person are they? Would they understand my sarcasm? Would they understand my answer? Well, more and more I feel like people wouldn’t like to be in my brain at all. It would be too difficult to understand me. And I guess that’s why I am distant and I think that’s why people don’t get me in some ways. I can’t blame them, but I can blame myself. People show me how much they care and I think maybe sometimes I make them feel like I don’t. I don't reciprocate the same feelings because I don’t show it or say it, and that’s on me.
I don’t want to be like that for the rest of my life. A part of me doesn’t feel like people have to explain everything to me. I think I understand people pretty well, I just think people have a hard time figuring me out and understanding me because I don’t let them. I’m a very confusing person I think, and that comes from not opening up and saying how I feel, pointing out what bothers me, and everything else.
Basketball has so much to offer in terms of your every day life, but it also shapes us in way that sometimes I feel can be very different than people who don’t relate to sports or understand what being a full time athlete is. Some people think that sports are just a hobbie and that’s fine, I don’t blame them and don’t force them to understand, but as an athlete, at least respect our choice. We’ve given as much hard work, tears, injury and sacrifice as you have with your own job, and I don’t judge you. I don’t even know why I am writing this, but I feel like I have to. In the last 6-7 months now my friends are surprised to learn so much stuff about me, and I have known some of them for...I don’t know how many years now. A part of me is really happy, but another is scared like a chicken. I feel like I take one step forward and then 2 steps back.
I guess life is all about learning and it’s always a work in progress. I think even my parents are learning stuff about me they never knew. I guess I’m just a box full of surprises.
